The Tandem

I am a machine. In my whole life my body has clung on to NOTHING it didn't absolutley, fundamentally require. That's why when i dump, i dump big, i dump hard and i dump once a day, 10:30am, like fuckin clockwork.

So after years of being unemployed/studentified/bone fuckin idle, it was my horror to aquaint myself with work... and the Tandem.

You know the Tandem. It's when you have to take the brown baby to the pool at work and someone walks in the toilet just as you're about to let rip. You can't hang on to this bad boy any longer. It's ready. And there are only 2 cubicles. So face it, he/she's gonna be with you every step of the way.

OH MY GOD, WHAT IF IT'S THE BOSS?!

fuck!

shit!

You try and wait it out. Maybe they only need a wee, you tell yourself. But they never do. And what's worse is they have had the exact same idea as you, so your both waiting it out together like a couple of fucking poo bombs.

Somethings got to give. You can't both sit there forever. You think about trying your chances. Maybe it won't be that loud this time, you tell yourself. Maybe you'll be lucky, but then there's always the chance you've got Mount St Helens plugged with a Malteser and then all hell breaks loose.

You're starting to sweat.

You hear a rustle of movement next door. A little foot shuffle from your partner in poo.

Shit, that was loud! It fucking echoed round the whole room! What's it gonna sound like when i unleash a depth charge in this mutha fucker?

Suddenly the door opens again.

Shit, now there are 3 of us.

But wait!...

They only need a piss! ....YESSSS!

But in the exitement you accidently start the ball rolling!

Fuck!

You're past the point of no return. You're just gonna have to face it up.

It won't be that bad, you tell yourself. It's natural.

There it goes now, easy does it. But, by some miracle of chance the pisser finishes washing his hands and starts the dryer.

SOUND COVER! You think. And drop it fast.

You did it.

It's over.

Or is it?

Now there's the wiping.

What if they think you're some overwiping freak?

Bollocks.

Damn the Tandem.