Lenny the Hat

A little while ago now i used to know this guy, lets call him Lenny. I wouldn't say he was a close friend, just one of those people you know for a while but never really find out anything about them.

But I had to know one thing.

What his head looked like.

Ever since i'd known him i'd never seen him take off his hat. Never.

Now a normal person could accept that this is how he is, delicately sweeping the issue under the Carpet of The Unsaid.

Not me.

I have to know what a mans head looks like before we can truly be friends.

What if he was one of those people with a really small forehead? Or worse, one of those people who's hairline comes to a vampire-esq point at the front. And if he is bald, what type? the island? the receed? thin all over? These questions need answering.

So I invited him round for a catch up.

My suspicions were correct. He came in the hat.

I turned the heating on full blast... Still he wore the hat.

I fed him vindaloo... Still he wore the hat.

I waxed lyrical about my recently developed excema of the scalp and its relentless and unbearable itching...

Still he wore the hat.

Time to pull out the big guns.

I went to the toilet and secretly rang my friend Nick (a charming boy who'll do anything i ask for a bourbon biscuit and a stroke of the nipple). I told him the plan. Shortly afterwards he arrived.

ding dong!

I opened the door to find Nick in full drag. He put on his best Norwegen accent

Kieron Darling! Its been so long. Give your auntie a kiss.

He grabbed my head and placed his chin lightly against my forehead.

..and this is my good friend Lenny...

Nick went to remove Lenny's hat...

what are you doing!... said Lenny

Just a Norwegen custom Lenny.

well you can't!...

I looked at Nick, he looked at me. I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know if it was the heat or what... But I lost it. I went for the hat-

To my surprise it came straight off.

And this is whats weird. You think i'd look at his head, but i didnt. I was still looking at the hat. I'd never noticed before how old it was. Or how weird.

The inside of the hat was dark. I mean really dark. No light at all. I couldn't see anything. Not the lining, nor the stitching. Not anything. I looked up and noticed Lenny looked a lot older then before. I couldn't say how exactly, just older, and there was a slightly regal air to him.

what have you done?!.... he said

Thats when we heard the rumble.

The room changed. The light looked a different colour.

You've unleashed the frapolites, you fool.... said Lenny with a whimper. He didn't look so regal anymore.

I am gatekeeper to the Frapolites. My people have kept them at bay for thousands of years.... and you went and ruined everything!

The rumble grew higher in pitch. It was at this point when i blacked out.

When i awoke from the living room floor everything seemed back to normal. Nick had awoken too and was currently masturbating into a houseplant. It was like nothing had ever happened.

But it was at exactly this point in history when i started noticing something appearing everywhere. Taking over the world. An unstoppable force.

Starbucks had landed... and it was all my fault.

I never saw Lenny ever again.

But it didn't bother me too much.

Nick said he had a really small forehead.